What's going on here? No, really, I want to know. Or maybe I don't. As you can tell, I'm a little confused, as well as really, really annoyed. What I'm annoyed (and confused) about is the band Schoolyard Heroes, more specifically, their latest album “Fantastic Wounds.” Fantastic wounds, indeed. My ears will never be the same.


The problem with the album, as well as the band, is one they share with most youngsters just learning their craft and starting up their first bands. (I don't care how long the band's been at it, if they've even been at it long – they still have the same problem.) That is, they're immature. No, they're not giggly or prone to fits of giggling, or even the least bit ticklish. They just seem to lack that certain presence good bands have, and ooze at will. I don't care what genre they're in, what statements (if any) they're making, or even how much talent they have; good musicians, nay, good artists, need to know what they're doing, and where they are musically, artistically, and mentally (i.e. presence). Schoolyard Heroes have something, but unfortunately, it's not musical maturity.


Centaur: Half-Man Half Motorcycle, despite having a kick-ass name for a song, is the best example of why this album (this band, too, I guess, I don't know and don't care) is a failure. It has a pretty cool intro, with the same kind of energy and enjoyable guitars/drums present elsewhere in the album, but becomes very hard to listen to (wait for it) ONCE THE VOCALS COME IN. It is not pretty. Nor, I suspect, is it meant to be. But whatever her intentions are, it's clear that there is a huge disconnect between the enjoyability of the rest of the band and the lead vocalist, who sounds like a cross between a petulant six-year-old who didn't get dessert and a constipated cat. (I'm being far too kind here.)


To be fair, I actually quite enjoy the bits and pieces of the songs where there aren't any vocals. They're spunky, gritty, and despite being a bit simplistic in their arrangements and melodies, work nicely with the little image they've got going. For example, Battlestar Anorexia would be a decent song if it weren't for the awful, awful, awful vocals. It's the kind of voice you'd hear come streaming out of some dusty garage in suburbia, surrounded by a mesh of out-of-tune electric guitars, hesitant drumming, and a not-plugged-in bass guitar – the anthem of a particular type of Teenage Rock Band, one whose members think girlish (bratty) wailing (squawking) is a good complement to their acne-soul sound. (Other types of Teenage Rock Band include those with Smashing Pumpkins Syndrome [where at least one player must be Asian, preferably Japanese] and Screaming=Rage bands – that one's self-explanatory.)


I'll end this review on a pretty depressing note: this band apparently has a good number of fans, as well as some positive reviews for their albums. They're also apparently compared to The Blood Brothers (insert yell of rage here) as well as the Yeah Yeah Yeahs ( big whoop) so I must be alone in my inability to decipher any sort of intelligible musical quality from them (at least, from the vocalist). You know what? I'll stop pussyfooting around here and just come right out with it, in case you haven't figured it out yet: I hate the vocalist. I hate how she sounds, how she ruins this band, how she shreds any semblance of integrity or decency in their songs, and most of all because she's a shitty female vocalist and gets praised because of it. Screw that.